Holy Me.

I am sick of thinking, feeling, believing, that God doesn't exist. I feel an urge to crawl and let my tears fall to the dust because of my lack of love that I show toward this sovereign deity known as YHWH. I have experienced several types of love over the years. There is that type where you solely receive the love while you do not return it. Another example would include the love where you pour out your entire heart and they do not reduplicate that love. Then there is love that shown in both parties, both giving love and also receiving it as well. I have purchased the lie that God's love is solely giving only, and I have no need to return. I have purchased the lie that God doesn't love me, and I make the choices in my life based on my decisions and knowledge. I have purchased the truth that God's love is vast, and he desires you and me regardless of how broken we believe we are. This God created the heavens and the universe. This God is his own dimension and we live inside of it. God knew when I was to be born, he had foreknowledge of my struggles, he also knows the time of my death. A God like this, in my humble opinion, has glory that outshines glory. His glory outshines the the brightest sun. In my mind, somewhere tangled and lost in there I began to believe that life with the one that gave life wasn't enough.  I keep looking for a blessing from God, but I do not recognize what I desire. My mind is consumed with "holy me." I look for reasons to praise YHWH, some come to mind, but none translate into actions. Spiritual dryness has attacked my life again, and not for the last time either. This spiritual dryness has left me cracked, chipped, and broken. The broke chips and the cracks in my skin have been filled with pride, hate, lust, perverse talk, jealously, lack of trust, suppression of the spirit. I am "self-help" classified. I understand and acknowledge that I am tangled, worn down, and trampled on; however, I just continue to pour what should be put to death into my veins. Steven Mayfield said "we nurture life in our hearts that shouldn't be alive." Holy me. Holy. Me. Wholly his.